What a challenging, joy-filled, chaotic, yet peaceful past 4 months. The rollercoaster of emotions is something I know so many parents go through. We have gone through it all, that’s for sure. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ll start by sharing the cliff notes of how I feel overall.
The truth is, I had no idea how easy our life was with just Parker. I kind of knew that, but I didn’t REALLY know that. We had so much flexibility and freedom. He was old enough to do so much on his own, we could leave him with any of our family (and he would be SO happy), and overall, it was just easy. Although I remember moments where I knew this to be true, I often craved chaos. I envisioned road trips with another kiddo in the mix. I wanted the house to feel playful and messy. I almost felt like I was too young to have my life feel so organized.
Fast forward to Chloe being here and I remind myself of this often when I feel like life is more complicated. We can’t just up and book a trip without thinking through a ton of logistics. We can’t just easily drop the kids off for the weekend (yet). I feel like I haven’t had good sleep in forever. You know, all the things. But this is exactly what was missing in my life. After years of negative pregnancy tests, I know this is how life was meant to be and I feel so sincerely grateful.
Here are some updates on baby girl:
SLEEPING
What sleep? JK. I feel like I’m so selfish in this area because I know she is a decent sleeper, but it still isn’t enough for me and I miss sleep so much. Right now she sleeps for a few 45-minute naps throughout the day. At night, we put her down between 7:30-8pm, and lately she’s been waking up around 2am just moving/wanting a pacifier. Some nights we have to go in and give it to her and some nights she falls back asleep herself. She wakes up right now at 5:30am, has a bottle, and then goes back to bed until about 8am. Prior to this she was sleeping 7pm-7am but apparently, the 4-month sleep regression is real and it’s here.
For her naps, we have been using the merlin suit and having her sleep in her crib. Then at night, she is still in the snoo, but the snoo is in her room. I am so nervous to move her to the crib, but we are getting there.
FEEDING
We have moved completely to formula. Chloe’s stomach issues were so rough for everyone. I knew in my Momma heart that she was uncomfortable. I tried changing my diet, but ultimately it didn’t do much for her and I stopped breastfeeding about a month ago because it was only irritating her. We tried a few formulas and they helped a little bit, but not completely. We finally went to Earth’s Best Sensitive and it was the winner. This is what we used with Parker, so I should have known!
I pumped as much as I could, so we are still mixing in 2 ounces a day of breastmilk. It is a small enough amount to not completely irritate her, but it is the right amount she needs to adequately get antibodies.
As much as breastfeeding feels so good, I am so relieved it is over. I loved breastfeeding and I am grateful I could do it, but the dependency on me for her feeding and then pumping (and all the dang gadgets and clean up) overwhelmed me. I am proud of myself for going to 3 months, but the pressure was REAL. I wanted to stop at month one, but I felt I couldn’t. Or better yet, that I “shouldn’t.” I am in awe of women that breastfeed for years- truly in AWE. I wish that could be me, but I had to be ok and give myself permission to know that wasn’t me.
PERSONALITY
Chloe and Parker are such different babies. Parker was very independent. He could be held by anyone and could sit in his swing and be wide awake and happy for at least an hour. Chloe is a little more cautious about who she is with. She likes to be in a carrier or in your arms the most. I never sat in the back of the car with Parker, but Chloe loves it. She just wants to hold your finger. She really loves/needs her people.
Once we figured out the formula and it settled her stomach, she has been super mellow. She doesn’t cry much and loves to smile and grab for things. She really takes in her surroundings. She spends a lot of time looking outside at the trees. It’s the sweetest. She’s such a cool baby.
POSTNATAL:
It has taken a lot longer for my body to feel like it did prior to pregnancy. I only JUST started being able to run again, and even with that, I have to be careful not to overdo it. Maybe TMI, but here we are… I bled on and off for months. Ultimately finding out after a procedure, that I had fragments of my uterus still inside. I was constantly feeling crampy. And the thought of sex made me want to cry.
I’m in a MUCH better place now, but recovery was not as easy this time around. I have had to be so patient and gentle with my body and I am just grateful for feeling in-tune with it and not settling for feeling bad as the norm. I also want to add here, that if you feel anything “off” or not normal, please please please trust that. I knew things weren’t right and even though the doctors weren’t worried, I opted to do further testing and that all showed things they didn’t think would come up. You are your own best doctor, always. And as shitty as healthcare is, I’d rather spend the money even if it is just the cautious route. Your health and wellbeing are worth it.
Other than that, mentally I’ve felt pretty good. I think that eating healthy and moving my body is what keeps me that way. But, I also want to share that we hired help for Chloe and I can’t even tell you how happy I am that we did. I will never forget just after Chloe was born, my life coach Jackie had asked what I wanted as I went back to work and navigated that with a newborn. She had asked me to paint the ideal picture of what my days were like and what our setup was. And every detail in between.
It wasn’t until I actually realized that in a perfect world we had help EVERY day by someone we loved and that person also helped with light household things (like our endless loads of laundry these days). And then I thought, Tyson wouldn’t work as much and we would hire an accounting team to take it off his plate. And my schedule is 8-3 or 4 each day. ALL the things. I started writing it out and the next day I was on a quest to make all of this happen.
Why do we often put off what we know we need? I can’t tell you how much we needed help. Our business has expanded substantially and I felt like I can’t run a business without some sort of help. I knew this, yet I felt selfish and/or not competent by trying to get help. Why do we have this dialogue? WHY do we set these expectations for ourselves?
I’m proud of myself for releasing my need to do it all and acknowledging that we needed to find someone to help with Chloe. And it just so happens that who we found is so special to our family and we love her SO much. If you are in the Portland area, we used NW Nannies (an agency) and I’d highly recommend it.
Anyway, here we are! That is a lot for 4 months, but I wanted to share in detail for those of you that like to read this stuff. There is so much beauty in embracing the highs and lows of being a parent. I remind myself of all that we have to be thankful for on the hard days and that makes most days, so so good.
Signing off!
xx Lindsay
